you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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