well I can't set my house on fire every night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
