I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
