Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
