You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
