genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
