if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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