I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
