Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
