Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
