please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
