Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
