Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
