I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
