somebody snuck up and got me drunk
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
