things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
