the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
