I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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