yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
