Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
