And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
