She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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