I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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