Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
