If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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