Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
