oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
