Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
