I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
