Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
