moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
