he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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