someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
