I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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