i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
