He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
