I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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