I accidentally had phone sex last night
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
