I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
