??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize