i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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