apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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