how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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