I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
