My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
