Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
