Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
