He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This is the high leading the old right now
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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