One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We just shotgunned beers for America
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
