I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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