Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
