I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
