my vag is so smooth its legendary
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Randomize
