proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
